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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Major repenting

I am exhausted. I feel a bit better after processing my life by talking to a friend for an hour and a half. Sometimes it is really good to just verbalize what I am struggling with to someone who is not trying to fix me, and to do it for more than 3-5 minutes.

I am exhausted. I already said that. Between work and service I am not going to have a day to rest for about 13 days running. I am a bit tired just thinking about it. But at least I have been able to take the last few hours to relax and process, so hopefully I can do the next 8ish of these days well.

Well, today all the rumored goodness of the switch in how I am handling my feelings with people I used to be scared of wore off with the blink of an eye. That is why I took so long to tell you about it. Because when I tell you about things, they disappear.

But I decided to take responsibility for my own actions today and start acting in faith. Faith is not a fuzzy feeling, but acting as if a piece of information is true. As I have taken step 10 in step study (which is taking a daily inventory) and begun step 4 in Life’s Healing Choices simultaneously, I have come to the realization I am very responsible for not loving people. I am ultimately responsible for my actions no matter what caused my fear.

So after my first far less than amazing interaction where I just defaulted to all my old defense mechanisms, I had a conversation with myself. It was then that I tied acting as information was true with this part of my journey. I decided no matter how I felt, that was the end of my acting that way today. To be honest, I never had an amazing day. I felt a bit vulnerable. A little grumpy. But I did consciously decide to quit shutting people out, and then proceeded to not do so. It turns out I am okay letting people in even if it is on a rocky day.

It really is not a question of acting as if something is true for me. It is acting on the fact that something is true. I know these people love me unconditionally. Now I can quit being a jerk and love them back. I can be scared while I do it. I can begin to do it a bit slowly; but if I want to change my life, I have to take responsibility for my actions.

I know on every level they are not the people who abused me or a bit like the people who abused me. One of the major ways I know this is because when I became most vulnerable, they did not dive in for the kill as I had begun to realize I believed they would. They didn’t wait for me to finally admit I cared, then throw me under the bus. In my moments of vulnerability, they took the opportunity to love me.

Some days I could swear it’s almost inhuman. Like from a different world. It looks a lot like Jesus. I love how He keeps showing up over the millennia. Yes, I am a big fan.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14

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