Earlier today I noted in an email to a friend:
“About 4-6 weeks ago now, a faithful reader of my blog said to me during a discussion of the Greatest Commandment, [I paraphrase] ‘Yeah, that is how you live your life, to love God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength.’ It has been extremely convicting because I seldom actually think about loving God. I most often think of following Him for the sake of my own self-preservation. I know that if I don’t, I will destroy my life. Somehow in all my desire for Him, my pursuit of Him has become lukewarm, though my pursuit of following Him seems to blaze strongly yet it is largely for the sake of preserving my own ass.”
Someday maybe there will be a “Weekly Thought” about how I once again found my first love. I have become so frustrated with myself since this event. Perhaps it is because my friend was so convinced that I lived my life obsessed with God. Honestly, I think I mostly live my life obsessed with myself. I certainly am less obsessed with myself than I used to be, but I am nonetheless obsessed with myself. Somedays I would like to just put a big sign over it all that says, “I quit.” I know following Christ has nothing to do with trying really hard, but sometimes I don’t even feel like trying really softly. My counseling homework this week is to write down all the things I am afraid of in the next step of growth. Well, how could I possibly begin to list them?
Hey, what do you know? My broken DVD is working.
Today I sent off payment for my taxes. #WaysIKnowThereIsAGod
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1