I hit a wall about a half hour ago and am entirely exhausted. I remember I was much healthier today, but I cannot remember a lot of specifics about today. I had x time quite gladly. All these breakdowns and breakthroughs in February seem to be paying off, I am beginning to live in love not in fear. It feels amazing.
I am currently working step 2 for large group and step 6 for step study. The “that I matter to Him” part of principle 2 seems to finally be sinking into my heart. I am loved. There is no fear right now, which is absurd to say because only a few days ago I was quite stressed over my role in ministry. What was God thinking? But in regards to my own relationship with God, my own recovery, I am no longer spending time with Him because I fear becoming who I used to be or making the wrong decisions or not making it through my day. I am spending time with Him because I want to do it. It brings me joy and love. I am sure my battle with fear will rage on, but I definitely had huge breakthroughs in February.
I read Ruth and Proverbs 31 in my evening quiet time. Ruth directly follows Proverbs in the Hebrew scriptures. So when it says “A wife of noble character who can find?” It does not present itself with an impossible dilemma, but follows it with a book demonstrating a wife of such character.
I am also currently working step 6. I am having a hard time answering the some of the step study questions for the current lesson. Action steps for the character defects my sponsor and I found. Some of them are just defense mechanisms from abuse. They are hard to get rid of. The lesson talks about not trying to go to fast. That is something I have always had a hard time with. I push too hard, and it backfires on me. Walls come up when I try to heal to fast. I should step into the change God has for me not try to bulldoze through life.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. – Proverbs 31:30-31