Yes, this blog has truly lost some of its entertainment quality for me. It seems to me the story is over. It was my purpose here to tell my story. It is the reason I could not refrain from writing even when the days were too incredibly painful to share. Maybe my story is actually just beginning. I still am learning. I am still growing. Life is still painful. It is just painful in a different way.
Last night I shared I was struggling, feeling vulnerable and afraid of seeing my triggers today. Today I cried just a teeny, tiny bit before leaving for church. See, life is still painful. I just handle it different.
I had a conversation today with one of my most amazing friends ever. It was awesome because she helped me work through some of my issues with good questions. It was about one of the relationships I am struggling with in my life. Our mutual conclusion was that I basically hate myself for being weak and loving people. Well, technically just this particular person. I see it as giving the other person power over me. I do not like people to have power over me. Love is pretty powerful.
I had more fun with friends than I have had in a long time. I am making more friends. I am learning things. I am learning to serve without trying to control people. That is interesting. I like people to do what I want, so we can go where I want. I am trying to learn to let the Spirit lead instead of control things. There are no boring moments.
Family. I am getting a lot of family.
Oh, and I had a surprise conversation with God about forgiveness in my quiet time this morning. It probably has to do with why I cried before church. I love God.
But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Matthew 20:25-28