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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Love and relationship addiction

I don’t know if you know this, but I am a pretty crazy person. I cried a lot today. I am on my third really stupid thing that I have done in the same amount of days. I am in freakout mode, and I have been freaking out. It hasn’t been pretty. It was kind of weird today because I am not sure the feeling I felt was guilt. I think I felt really humbled. Not really humble either. Just humbled. I have definitely acted like a fool. As I went over Romans today, I cried because I realized most desperately that if it weren’t for grace, I was toast. Really burnt toast too. 

I have been being mean to people over the last three days. A little bit on purpose. A little bit out of complete fear based on something good that happened last week. I am having some sort of “vulnerability hangover”, and I am attacking any man who pretty much comes across my path. At about 3:00 this afternoon, I sensed a pattern in my story. Not the story I was telling myself about my situation, but the story of my life. If I was going to go a secular twelve-step program, I would belong in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. If I was to define my problem in terms of groups available at big Celebrate Recovery’s, I would have Love and Relationship Addiction. No, I am not dating anyone; but I am manipulating and controlling the relationships around me. In fact, I am not sure that on some level I don’t do my best to manipulate all the men in my life. I do have some healthy relationships with women, but wowzers when it comes to the men! I manipulate, control, lash out when they get to close, basically act like I am crazy.

So when I realized I had a problem with manipulation, I felt really hopeless especially because it was a life long problem. Then later in the day when in my story, I could suddenly hear the voices of the women who were sharing in step groups that struggled with “love and relationship addiction”. I felt like I was telling the same exact story I heard from them in group. Suddenly I knew there was hope. There were twelve steps for this. The same twelve steps that have worked for all my other habitual sins.

Then I got to confess all my sins in group tonight. These dear ladies sure do put up with a really screwed up leader.

I still feel like a fool. God, grant me the moral fortitude to own my part and quit pointing fingers.

I better close with a good ol’ CR standby:

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, LORD; come quickly, LORD, to help me. Psalm 40:12-13


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