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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Lots of pain

Do I have to tell the truth tonight? What if I just lied? I am in a pretty hard spot tonight. The emotions I am trying my best to deal with only with my counselor are rolling around just below the surface. I had dinner with friends. It was pleasant, almost. If only the pain just didn’t hurt so much just below my smile and laugh.

Today I want to be too selfish to live. I want to not have to deal with the sacrifice of life. I do not want to have to love people through rejecting me one more time. I do not want to have to forgive one more time. It hurts, people. It hurts. The awkward part of it all is I know the pain just feels like it comes from my present circumstances. The real pain comes from a long time ago. It threatens to rise to the surface and hurt me before I am strong enough to deal with it.

I did read Exodus today as a part of my weekly reading plan. I was so annoyed by having to do my chores that when I finished I tried to bargain with myself to just read Leviticus instead. That is intensely not feeling like doing chores. Leviticus in next week’s planned reading. The civil law at least holds mild interest. The ritual law on the other hand…

I am so thankful God is helping me through this now. I am so thankful I am not falling apart with a husband and family on the brutal receiving end of my pain. I am genuinely thankful my situation is really not any worse than it is. Sometimes reminders of how awful denial really was slip into my life. They make me so incredibly grateful I am not actually in denial. I am just managing emotions, so I can deal with emotions I cannot manage in a safe place.

I am sitting here staring at my computer screen and thinking about how frozen I used to be (and how good a bowl of chocolate ice cream would taste). I am so unfrozen now. Some week soon in a counselor’s office in the West Village, there is going to be some really hysterical crying. I cannot wait until I have faced this.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

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