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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Looking up

I smell like smoke and fire, such a good time of year. Summer is here and so are the backyard cookouts. I love my life. This morning (and actually yesterday morning too) I learned that the dreams really have not disappeared. I was just sleeping too little earlier in the week to get around to dreaming before waking. They are very alive and well.

My day was a bit on and off. There were really good parts. I am having a hard time remembering before church, but I do remember wishing during quiet time that I did not have to go to church. I wished I could just stay home. I was not at all sure I could make it through this day even if I did live one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow.

But it was a mostly pretty good day. Church was mostly good. I felt safe most of the time. For most of the day as long as I was not thinking about what I am dealing with, I was okay. I enjoyed myself quite a bit. Until this last week and a half of living in semi-fake, sometimes real positive emotion, I did not realize how much of the last ten years I have been struggling and depressed. I have not repressed much emotion. Well, actually, I did, but I did not repress all the negative, just the real scary negative that I am processing now.

It might feel a little artificial, but it is really nice to live on the surface for a little while even if it means I am just tapping the negative down. It is good to have a relief from this super painful journey. Maybe someday I will not say most of my life has been painful. Someday as in ten or twenty years from now. It takes a while to outweigh the last thirty.

Man, it is good to have friends and a home. I am so thankful for Celebrate Recovery. I am so thankful for the God who works through this program. I am so thankful for Jesus Christ, my one and only higher power.

If in my first rock bottom, I gave my life to Christ. And in my second, I gave my will to Him. In this one, did I give my pain to Him?

Earlier today someone asked me how I was doing. I said can we just make an understanding that for the next six weeks or so anytime I say “good”, I mean relatively speaking. But then I was thinking about it. No, I am doing good. I am doing better than I have ever been because I get to finally work through this because it was so painful I was too scared to engage it for years. Finally it is on the surface. Finally I can deal with it.

Our God is strong in us. // He is the risen one. // His name is glorious. // He is victorious. // The same power that raised Him up is the power that lives in us.

Okay, I think I messed that up. You get the point.

God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God. And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him. – Ephesians 1:12-14

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