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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Living in Fear

I am just edgy today, and I do not want to talk about it. Do I have to talk about it to you? I do not want to face the issues I need to in my life. I do not want to be powerless. We are still on the powerless lesson in step study because we totally were snowed out last week.

Emotionally I want to sulk, run away from myself and run away from everyone else, too. But logically and actually I do not want to do so. What I have done for the last decade has not worked. I am going to have to try something new. I am absolutely sure I am avoiding my next step. The odd part is I think I am being honest with myself when I say I do not know exactly what that is.

I have been trying to keep in mind how big God is and how small I am. I have noticed this helps me worry less. It also helps me believe He can fix me. After all, He did create me and like 7 billion other people. He pry knows how we were made, how we are broken and how we are fixed.

I have a list of orphans I promised to pray for by name every week until I saw them again. I had fulfilled my promise for eight months. The last couple weeks I have been avoiding the list. I have prayed for them as a whole when thinking of them, but I am avoiding actually doing what I said I would do. Saturday night, I cried as I thought about them as I got into bed. I still didn’t go find the list though. Instead I prayed for all those whose names I could remember. I chose guilt and fear over fulfilling a simple promise. I think I am beginning to sabotage. I always sabotage good things at some point. I guess I finally made it to some point. I wonder how one learns to not do this?

Can I even tag this with a step today? I feel like all the steps I took today were backward. I am living in fear. Not just with my actions but with my mind and feelings, too. This is stupid. Now I am going to go pray for those orphans. ALL of them.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

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