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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Liar, liar

So I spent another day in denial. Just deciding to be happy. It was great fun. Mostly a really fantastic day. I did struggle a little here and there to keep a positive attitude. I also wondered what the point of all this. Yesterday someone pointed out to me just how much faith Abraham had. I need some of that faith right now because God’s promises and reality do not seem to be lining up.

Yeah, it is all serious denial. Life is not fun and games right now. I am just pretending like it is. It hurts. I am hurting. My computer temporarily quit working since I started writing this post. During those ten minutes I faced just a little bit of the liar I have been being. Apparently I can laugh and smile and joke with the best of them, but it is a thin covering to the fear and pain beneath.

But I suppose it does not matter whether I am “in denial”. In a few more days I will be sitting across from my new counselor. I am a bit terrified. She seems like one of the nicest people on the face of this earth; but let’s face it, I am the one who knows what I have to deal with. I am the one who knows the places I have never gone. I am afraid of what I have to face. I am not afraid of her.

And I am still sick-ish. Life without health insurance and a job sucks, but I got to laugh over that tonight, too. See? I told you I was in denial. Then again I did admit to the people around me I had choice: I could laugh or cry. Just for tonight I was going to laugh. So I did.

And it was awesome, but in the end I had to come home to be with myself. I am still me. My problems are still with me. I have just as hard of a time believing God. He just seems so farfetched right now. I know He is truth, but I am beginning to wonder where I missed Him because surely He did not call me to this, right?

They offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace. – Jeremiah 6:14

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