I was having a really good morning this morning. I mean it was okay, mostly, I thought I was actually feeling good. I had me some quiet time, spruced myself up and headed for church. Oh, but that is where it all began.
I met my first friend. “Hi,” she said. “Hi,” I said back. “How are you?” she said. “Good,” I said. “Really?” she said, as she tilted her head. “Really,” I said, as I tilted my head. But I tried not to cry as I looked in her eye. “What is the matter?” she said. Trying to focus, so I didn’t cry, I carefully worded my public reply. So we set a date, so we could talk more. Then I headed into the room – my emotions at war.
Really, and I am not quite sure why. I am trying to quit rhyming, I swear. There.
My day continued in that sort of fashion. I cried or almost cried for at least half the service. On a good note, I did not cry when I went out for brunch or while studying for an hour before a members meeting at church this afternoon. Then someone who knew my story asked how I was at the meeting and I started to cry again. I never knew I could not care a bit in a room full of women and men. Well, only care a little bit.
Then I came home and had a good long deep talk with my roommate. Then I rocked out to some awesome praise and worship music with my headphones as I made supper. Then I felt much less like a dark cloud was hanging over me. Then I remembered that in church this morning during worship, as I was crying, I had the thought, “I will defeat this with praise.” At the time I cried harder.
So after I finished making my supper, I loaded all my best praise and worship music onto my phone. I guess this week is going to be a week to rock out. So if you happen to see me walking down the street, dancing to my music, feel free to point and laugh or join me. I vote you join me.
In this rocky process over the last few weeks, I have learned some challenging truths about myself. Friday night, in open share group, there was the question, “Romans 8:37-39 says nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Is there anything in your life you are tempted to believe separates you from the love of God?” I am not sure I can properly put this into words, but I believe that the core of who I am is so condemned, violated and repulsive that I am separated from God because I am who I am. This part of me is so deep I cannot change it. I can only shield it from outside eyes with all kinds of actions and barriers of protection.
The logical side of me realizes I need to receive God’s love on that level. In that part of me that is so deep, I have to let Him in. I need to let Him redeem the scars and wounds that are so much deeper than conscious thought. Minus all the wounds, hurts and sin in my life, I am who He created me to be. In Christ, I am redeemed. I am holy. I am pure. I am protected. I am loved. The core of who I am, buried so deeply under all my facades, is what He created. He did not create the sin. He did not will the wounds. He did not will the hurt. He cried, as I cried. He did not create pain. Did He?
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. – Isaiah 25:8
Comments