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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Lay it all down again


My life is bizarre. I am not sure I like it. I am not sure why I said that since I have had fun all day except that I don’t like how hard some areas of my life are right now. I am tired and angry and frustrated and happy all at one time. I have had some great revelations this week like I am not weary of life in New Jersey but I am weary of life on Earth. Earth is a problem, and it is too earthy for me. I read the beginning of Genesis today. I am so extremely, remarkably grateful that I do not have to live nine hundred years. That doesn’t seem fun at all! Modern life spans are more than enough for me.

I am also realizing I am really struggling with giving my life to Christ. It is something more than giving my will to Him, I think. The idea of living the rest of my time on earth for Him seems painful. These last four and eleven years have been so good, but at the same time so hard. This week I thought about how Jesus told His disciples to take up their cross and follow Him. They were likely walking down a road, and next to the road were crosses. There might have even been some bodies on the crosses. Maybe some that were not quite dead yet, and Jesus told His disciples if they wanted to be His disciple they needed to follow Him to death. People didn’t take up crosses in those days except walking to their death. Except I suppose in a rare case like Simon of Cerene.

Jesus wants all of me. I am to be willing to take up a real cross – not the proverbial thing we make it in America. These days I am unable to admit on a blog what I am unwilling to sacrifice for Jesus. It is so much less than my physical life, and yet I shrink back from the sacrifice. Yet I do not know if I am willing. Though small, the sacrifice seems so large. I cringe at facing it head on. The idea of surrendering it to God appalls me. My pride loathes the cost of following Him. I seek in my time with Him to re-give Him my life. I am sure it is the step I need to take. I need to once again lay it all down. I need to count the cost, recognize it is worth it, and follow. I have been praying He shows me His glory and love and greatness, so I find the willingness for the task at hand. If I can only believe He is most worthy!

What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? – Matthew 16:26

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