There is a little children’s book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I had one of those today. Only I hope Alexander’s was nothing like mine because I hope Alexander does not know what I have known. I woke for the third morning in a row with a nightmare. I have been having entirely too many nightmares recently. Today is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I never did recover.
I showered. Still felt dirty. Spent some time with God, read through my Bible plan. Still not doing well. Cleaned my room some. Ate some. Anger began to build. Why am I the one having the nightmares? Seems unfair. I decided it was a good time to see my counselor after all today. I planned to skip this week. I like to save money and energy.
By this afternoon I had really worked up some steam. I want to quit. I want to quit this whole recovery business. It sucks. It hurts. And it’s hard. That is what I told her with something of a strangled cry. At least how I have always imagined a strangled cry feeling if I was to make one. It’s too hard! The bloody worst part of all this business is the never ending, “How did you feel?” I do not want to remember how I felt! I would rather just not remember at all.
I wish God could just give us a shot instead. Imagine a free clinic for instant healing from God. “Number 33, please step forward. Angela will be taking care of you today.” Like waiting in line at the DMV or like I did for my MMR shot at the public clinic. “There is a one in five chance you will have muscle soreness the next few days. Do not worry though, it happens to one in five people. There is a one in one million chance after we give you this shot, you will kill over dead. Do not worry; chances are you are in the 999,999!” “Right this way, miss.” “The shot will sting just a tad. Be ready.” “Please wait here for another 15 minutes. Let us know if you feel anything weird.” (How do you not feel something weird when someone says this to you!) “Have a good day. No more pain or nightmares in your future! No need to come again! See you in heaven!”
Now that would be my kind of recovery program! But it is not. I am stuck here. Willingly going to an amazing counselor and recovery program. Because even if the last week has sucked, life is better than it has ever been. And there is progress. Tonight on the way home instead avoiding all streets I might meet someone I knew, I decided to walk in such a way to heighten my chances of meeting someone I know. Why? Because the people around me are pretty amazing! They would not mind meeting me on the street even if there were tears running down my cheeks because I just did not know how to stop them.
Feel? How did I feel? God awful; and God thought it was awful.
Jesus wept. – John 11:35
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11