A few months ago, I was at the CR conference, one of the national leaders while teaching about accountability (I think) got off on a tangent about it in her own life. The part I remember is her crying and saying with desperate passion, “If I am going in the wrong direction, I need people to tell me. I need people in my life to point out the areas of my life that are not pleasing to Him. I don’t ever want to go that way again.” Amen, sister. My favorite part about some of the people at my CR, they call me out! They hold me accountable! Laura, have you …. yet? Thank you. I feel so much better now! I am not alone. I have people who will help me follow Him! I never want to repeat my mistakes! Ever. Ever. Ever. They were awful.
No nightmare last night. Nightmares are one of the things I am learning to recognize I have no control over. I guess that is a getting ready for bed conversation. How can my life be so full of awesomeness, and my dreams still get haunted? Ugh.
My church has an “Experience Plan” that I somehow took a copy home with me on Sunday. Someone must have set it with my CR stuff. Anyways, it is your plan for the next three months of how you are going to experience God in different areas of your life – quiet time, fasting, tithing, serving, community, solitude, etc.
For the fun of it, I decided to fill out the plan even if I had no accountability partner present to keep me accountable. I thought I had an excellent plan. I was very satisfied with my plan. So the next time, I sat down to connect with God, I put the paper in front of me and sort of accidentally asked God what He thought of my plan. He was not nearly as impressed as I was. He wants everything. I have to admit every time I fill out one of those plans, I write down things I know I won’t fail at. I might be just a bit afraid of failure. I put down really safe goals.
Yesterday (I think) I had the passing thought that my heart is worth more than what it says on my paycheck. There is no amount of keeping anything to myself that is worth keeping my heart from Him. I tried that for a few years. It was a disaster. That is how I ended up at CR with addictive and compulsive behaviors instead of just an abusive past. If I never make more than I do now the rest of my life, I shall be content if it means He has my heart.
Oh, I put my dance shoes on Ebay a week ago or so. We will see what happens. Either way, they are on their way out. I inventoried dancing this morning. I wrote it in the inventory like it was a person (though we are asked to put down objects we fear and resent also). I categorized the cause, effect, damage and my part in our destructive relationship. It was very good for me. I have to do that with a few other things in my life I think. It made me think a lot about idols, which makes me think of my beginning thought. I need people in my life to keep me on the right track! I need people to tell me when I am going in the wrong direction. I need people in my life to help me get the obstacles out of my path. I need people in my life to tell me to get rid of my dance shoes!!! Going, going, gone.
Dear children, keep yourselves from idols. – I John 5:21
Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts. – I John 5:21