Today I have been considering whether it is indeed true that until the last month-ish of my life I have either been living in a world of pain, creating a world of pain for myself or trying to get over the worlds of pain I had been living in. I think it is true. Pain ran deep within me. I know what it is to have no hope, but now I also know what it is to have hope. Today I feel like the man who had the demon cast out of him and then he sat at the feet of Jesus in his right mind. I feel so in my right mind.
Today I celebrate how God has provided over the last six weeks of my life. He is an incredible God. It was such a peaceful, joy-filled day. The weather was perfect. What does a person wondering if they want to go through a step study need to know about my day? They need to know there is peace on the other side!
Are there still battles to be fought? Yes, most definitely. I still have people from my past who are not quite forgiven, but there is no more hate within me – just a pain in my chest that lingers when I think of them. A pain that tells me they have wounded me. The people still do not know Jesus. The pain tells me I care. The pain tells me I am alive. Feeling the pain allows me to feel all my other feelings, too.
Tonight at dinner group we discussed battles and what ours currently were. I decided my biggest battle was myself, but that is because I read a CR testimony today where the guy discovered he was his own worst enemy. But it is true. One of my biggest battles is still my struggle with church leadership and trust. I do not have authority issues in my life as much as trust issues. I prefer to follow rules and guidelines, but actually trust male leadership with any one of my dreams or needs? I struggle with that.
My counselor says I have symptoms of PTSD when it comes to interactions with leadership. Sometimes it is a battle that feels like it has lasted too long. I know to fight it I should just be transparent and honest and risk being betrayed or hurt. It is so easy to know all those things when I am not trying to not panic in the moment.
My God is a Redeemer. A really, really cool one. And today was one of the most pleasant, joy-filled days of my life.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23