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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

It’s hard

I am soooo tired. God may have unending love, but tonight my love ends at 9 o’clock with a bowl of ice cream. I do not feel like I have any unending love of any type tonight. In fact I was thinking about it earlier today and I wondered if I ever loved anyone at all well over the last few years. Examining my motivation sucks.

I did decide a few moments ago as I made my bowl of ice cream that I need to spend some more time with God. I am in serious need of some self-examination. Not self-examination that is assisted by my step study guidebook either. Just some “here I am God; show me what I need to see about me” time.

The good part is I feel like I am at the beginning of living right now. As hard as counseling and my emotions are right now, I somehow feel like I am on the other side of my hardest recovery. Which is weird because as I write that I think the hard part of loving people is just getting started. Which is true, I have after all finally made it to step 12 in some sort of real fashion.

I just want to be a couple years of spiritual growth older right now. I know the journey is the whole point. I do not at all mind the journey with God. It is just this moment and this time in my life would be so much easier if I had more practice at love going into it. I spent years of my life not even bothering to attempt to try to love people. I have been thinking about how much I have changed over the last ten years. It is a bit painful to think of who I was. I know this puts me in the pre-step 1 “what if’s”, but I just can’t help but wonder, “What if I had changed quicker? What if 10 years ago I listened to people less and God more?” That is a tall order for a girl as broken as I was when I think about it. I imagine God was up in heaven just cheering me on in those early days. I was after all doing what I could with what I had.

Now I have much more to say, but I am going to bed instead. I am listening to an Andy Stanley message on Jonah right now. So here is the verse for the night:

Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. – Jonah 2:8

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