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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

It’s getting better

Today was awful until like 5 o’clock. I actually got mad at one of my children (I babysit) today. I had to apologize to my baby. You know I am in a funk when I snap at a 17 month old. He is so precious. All he did was spit all the milk he had just pretended to drink down the front of his shirt because I forgot to put on his bib. Like whose fault was that?

About five o’clock, I was on the phone with a friend and she asked what her prayer focus for me should be for the next week. I just said fear and my issues with men. A weight just lifted off me as I said those words. I have no idea why. It is not the first time in my week I have verbally confessed to having this battle. But I was glad.

I went to a wonderful Good Friday service tonight. It crossed my mind today that if God left me for three days like Jesus and the Father were separated, I would be a complete disaster in that time. I have been thinking about the difference between Jesus’ fears and my fears. Jesus feared separation from the Father. I do not have to fear because I will never be separated from the Father. I lived most of the day afraid anyway. Actually, I am not sure I lived it afraid. It was just really crappy and I was angry and short and tired.

The best part about the service tonight was my friends, seeing all the wonderful people. I did some connecting with God. I nailed my sins to a cross. I even wanted to cry a little. But honestly, I had to fight to worship. I am not so much struggling to believe right now as I am struggling to feel a connection with God.

I also came to the conclusion today that #3 from yesterday only applies to men. As I am allowing the impact of the truth to sink into my heart, I am noticing a slight shift in the way I feel men feel about me. Like one degree out of 180 degrees, but it counts for something. It is the beginning of change.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.” – John 14:18-21

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