I thought I would be reporting another quietly boring day today. Today was not quietly boring. About noon I told a friend I was having a hard time living in the moment and was trying to control timing in my life. She asked me, “What things are you trying to make happen on your time?” I didn’t answer her because it made me think too hard.
My rather intense conversation with God started on my way home from school. I really could not give my friend a real honest answer to the question because by thinking about it and trying to be honest with myself, I came to the conclusion that I mostly struggle with being in the process of something. I cannot control processes. I cannot control how I change in the process.
As I have previously shared, my roles in two ministries are changing right now. It is very hard for me because stepping into both roles will mean I have to grow exponentially as a person. One of the ministries I believe I will be a part of for the next four years. I will have to do a lot of growing in those four years. I will have to face a lot of fear. God will have to hold my hand a lot. If I could just snap my fingers and be transformed. If I could just snap my fingers, blink my eyes and have the four years behind me, I could relax. But I cannot.
I have to live one day at a time. One moment at a time. I have to gradually learn how to serve, too. I have to trust God today and tomorrow and the next day. I will have to trust God that He will change and equip me as I need to be changed and equipped. In the meantime, I need to learn how to enjoy the process. I need to learn how to enjoy the journey. I hate the journey. I resent the journey. I struggle to not fear the pain in the journey. The process is so hard. being vulnerable, being transparent, trusting, growing is so hard!
The other ministry is something I plan to be growing and changing in the rest of my life. It is so overwhelming. It is so scary. It is so frustrating that the only thing I can do in all the major areas of my life right now is wait for God’s timing, trust Him in the moment and do what He is asking me to do today.
I also am upset that I have started to share some of my dreams with people and they are excited about them. I do not know. I do not think I know how to receive good things. I do not know how to respond to love or trust or encouragement or complements. Changing the subject has always worked in the past. The lifespan of this technique seems to have passed! I am going to have to learn how to respond.
I was having another conversation with God today. That is the answer He gave me there, too. “It is there, you are not responding.” Why is it so hard for me to respond to love? Respond with something other than running? Why is it so hard to let people know me? Why is it so hard to know others? Why in the moments when I am confronted with love, do I use a coping mechanism to build a wall? Who needs a coping mechanism to deal with love?? And why do I???
Like I said, not a boring day.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11