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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Irrepressible Hope

I wish I could say the revelation I had in church this morning had something to do with the message. It would mean I had listened better; but honestly, I do not think it did. This morning I came to the conclusion I am going to have to allow people to love me as a beautiful mess. I think all the hoppiness from yesterday did the trick. I had so much fun because I had a mask on and was being quite myself as someone else.

I am both really excited and scared to allow people into the beautiful mess I am, especially a guy. Honestly, I am really tired of being alone. I just want to love and be loved. I want to actually know people. I want to be known.

The message this morning was about fear and that it is okay to be afraid of what God is calling us into or what is happening in our lives. Now that does apply to my revelation. There is a lot of fear in my anticipation. What if people do not like me? What if I become even weaker? What if I step out and find out and get stepped on? What if I hurt people? Hurt people more than I already do?

One of my biggest frustrations is the way my wounds bleed into my relationship with men. When I start dating, when I get married, there is going to be some pain and a lot of healing we will have to do together. It is so hard to not want to protect my future lover from it, to protect him from getting to know me and the pain in my story and in my heart. It is hard to think I might be worth loving, flaws, wounds, scars and all. It is hard to imagine it might be worth the pain of getting to know me. It is hard to let people experience the pain with me. But if I don’t allow someone to love me, I won’t be able to love them. And that sucks, big time.

So that is the hypothetical, philosophical, contemplative side of changes that are hopefully occurring in me. I feel almost ready to burst with need to change and grow and have these walls come tumbling down. Tomorrow I may have the opportunity and freak out in the moment instead. I am dreadful at leaning into knowing and being known instead of freaking out, but I will try again and again and again and….

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

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