I saw a patch of dandelions on my way home from work tonight. I had an urge to pick one. “Why would I do that?” I thought, “They are weeds. Besides what if someone sees a full-grown woman pick a dandelion?” When it was almost too late, I followed the urge and picked one.
Yesterday I babysat a little girl who took great delight in the simple beauty of the flower. I studied my flower and wondered if children would continue to think dandelions are beautiful if no one ever told them otherwise.
I continued to ask myself how my day would look different if I actually lived each day with the goal of knowing God more. Unlike last night when I was sure getting to know God more did not involve spending the evening studying the Bible in my apartment, this morning I was very sure living my day to know God more involved getting up at least as early as I did to read, pray and listen.
The answer to this question continually requires me to focus on something other than myself. It has also forced me to think of the motives I have for doing what I do. So far I have discovered I would change how I lived my day, but not what I did during the day. I am not quitting any of my jobs, but I might begin to do them all differently and view them all differently.
On my way home tonight before I picked the dandelion, I wryly thought I am not sure I actually want to live my entire life with the focus of getting to know God more. I thought I did prior to this week, but answering this question is making me realize it is a tall order that involves me no longer focusing on myself for any reason. It involves me looking outward. It involves walking down the street and focusing on others, not myself.
Recovery wise it has been a quiet day. I feel way better emotionally and spiritually than last week, but I am physically sick. I feel a bit like I am living in a dream because I still cannot believe I have become willing to go through this part of recovery. Some day the walls may come tumbling down. In the meantime, with God’s help I am going to do my part by taking them down one brick at a time.
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. – Psalm 130:5