Well, I wrote a semi-depressing weekly thought this morning. My struggle was not an exaggeration. I had a really good conversation last night that helped me wake up in a much better place this morning than yesterday. One of my first decisions was that I was going to allow myself to feel pain today and anger, but I was not going to allow this to be processed as hate or bitterness. So today was painful but at least productively so.
I don’t remember my morning quiet time well, but I know I had not worked myself to a point of being able to worship God. I couldn’t even listen to worship music as I prepared for my day and began to work afterwards. It really came down to a “If this is who You are and how you demonstrate Yourself, I want nothing to do with You.” I really struggle to not be just like the prophet Jonah.
But all day, every time my pain turned from pain to bitterness, I would call myself back to remembering I was not going to be bitter or hate today. It was okay to feel the pain instead, so I cried a lot.
Somehow writing my weekly blog helped. Afterwards I was still in a bad place, but I went from not being able to bear the worship music to knowing I needed it. I kept it on even if at first it seemed like it mocked me. It became my life line. Momentarily I danced to it.
By step group tonight no one would know I am a bitter, angry person. That seems like it must be a bad confession. No one would know I am trying to get the bitter, angry old me to die, so the new creation I am can live unhindered.
Tonight instead of desiring Him because He is all there is to desire, I desire Him because He is desirable. I still don’t have all the answers to life’s questions. I still blame Him for things. I don’t understand to know why He has led me to this place. I have entirely lost sight of truth and lies in some areas of my life. Hey, I am working through step four. That is the point, letting God re-arrange what I think is truth in my relationships and all other aspects of my life.
But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; – Isaiah 43:1-3
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