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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I will follow

Counseling. I went to counseling this morning. I sat in an office that looked very much like a stereotypical counseling office from a TV show and talked to a counselor or rather a psychiatric doctor with a specialization in trauma. It was scary and awkward. She got a very fragmented story of a fragmented life. I felt very much like I had finally reached the point I had always been looking for. Laura has met her match. I guess it is time to face my deepest pain.

I told her how I have started to “function”. Everything on the surface light and cheery and busy, but it is a paper-thin covering for the fear and pain and abandonment underneath. She said to keep living like I am living now and come to her to tap into all those emotions that are barely underneath the surface. To deal with them in a safe environment where I cannot hurt myself.

It is kind of odd to fake it as a Celebrate Recovery leader, but I am not entirely faking it. I might remain cheerful. I might push back against all those feelings, but I do tell people that they are there. I do let them know what I am going through. I do not lie (very much). And I am not really in denial. I am dealing with the issue. Apparently even in a good way.

God is my provider. I look forward to everything He has on this journey for me. One of the questions in my church’s small group tonight was whether we found it comforting or concerning to have God lead us forward. God can lead me wherever He wants. Rock bottom will do that to a person. I sort of feel like this is my third rock bottom. Have I told you that already?

Laura is ready to be loved.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – I John 4:18

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