I am so mad right now. Maybe it is because I am tired, but it feels entirely justified. I know injustice doesn’t actually exist because God is just and in the end everyone pays what they owe or Jesus pays what they owe; but tonight none of that feels remotely real to me. I am just mad. I am mad that I have been robbed; and right now it doesn’t feel like anyone cares. I am mad that if the people who hurt me never repent, it doesn’t really matter. Jesus paid it all.
Sometimes I think we as Christians should have the greatest regret over our sin. Actually, I know we should. We should hate sin like no one else. We should hate it in ourselves. I often find myself loving it in myself. Selfishness is my protective covering. I call it all sorts of things and try to shield myself from an unkind world with it. When other Christians hurt me, I don’t know what to do because if Jesus paid it all, why don’t they have to pay anything? How is that fair? It doesn’t feel like love to me.
I have been praying for God to teach me His mercy – to be merciful like He is merciful. Then I quickly add that I don’t mean that I want a bunch more people to be mean to me though. I have had as many people be mean to me as I want to know how to deal with. I don’t want to learn more forgiveness. I want to forgive what has been done to me and then go home.
I want to know Him. I have been studying Romans 8. A verse that really sticks out to me is “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Really? I have no idea how to wait for the redemption of my body patiently. I want it now. I want perfection now. I want the longing of my heart to be satisfied now. I want perfect union with God outside of my broken body now. I want to go home to Him and leave this broken world behind for souls who are braver than I and want to relish its pain a few more decades longer.
We know the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. – Romans 8
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