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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I think I am going to puke

Yesterday I may have felt lonely, but not today. Today I woke up literally feeling surrounded by love, which is a very nice feeling to have while waking. One of my first conscious thoughts was that people were just having to hold my hair back while I puked right now. I have been feeling quite guilty lately that sometimes my puking hurts people. I do not like to hurt people.

A few weeks ago, the message on Sunday was about being there for the nonbelievers in our lives through the good times and bad. “Holding their hair back when they puke” is being there for someone during the rough times when they are “sick” if for no other reason so they are not alone.

I had a pleasant productive day. By this afternoon, I was puking all over the place publicly, but I had a revelation afterwards. If I want to heal, I am going to have to be willing to puke in public and let people hold back my hair. I really hate that. Historically I would rather struggle alone than struggle with people helping me. I do not like for people to see me struggle. I would rather pretend I have everything together. I don’t. I never have, but pretending at least makes me feel better even if no one believes my pretending.

I have been thinking about my current situation regarding trusting leadership and men and churches and God. I have been trying to look at it through God’s perspective instead of mine. Mine is always focused on my current pain. It makes it hard to get past my issues because I think I tend to focus on them a lot instead of moving past them. I just have this overwhelming feeling that it makes Him sad that I tend to isolate myself. Not like mad sad, just sad sad about separation. God doesn’t seem to be big on separation. He died, so it would not have to exist.

If I am going to heal, if I am going to quit being alone, I am going to have to be willing to be vulnerable with people around. People I would love to look semi-competent around. I am going to have to let people I am currently afraid of hold my hair back while I puke. Or I can just stay sick. I think I am going to puke.

I don’t mind puking at CR, but everywhere else?

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. – John 13:34-35

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