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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I shouldn’t have looked back

It is so much easier to say I want faith than to have it. Today I got awesome news. Today officially marks the first day of a brand new chapter in my journey. I rejoiced, earlier. But tonight I am whiny and restless. I am afraid and it is not even because I am looking at any obstacles in my future. It is because I have looked at my past. Somehow looking back and remembering the really hard times, remembering all the obstacles, and even remembering how God has overcome them, has put me in a melancholy mood. Melancholy, I suppose, because I realize the future will not be easy.

But as I write this, I am starting to feel better. Seeing how ridiculous that first paragraph looks on paper, uh the computer screen, is helping me realize the vicious lie I was beginning to believe. How completely ridiculous of me to look back and put myself under the person I was 10 years ago. I need not go through those trials again. I will get brand new ones.

I am thinking of something I heard somewhere the other day. God does not test us to see what we are made of. He tests us to show us what He is made of. Something like that. I guess the whole gist of it is that He already knows who we are. We are the ones who do not know who He is.

As far as recovery goes today, I have continued to have a conversation with God about the person I am mad at (see post from January 2nd.) I realized there was an area I had not forgiven her over. I started walking toward forgiving today. I decided that every time I start to become angry, I am going to go back and reforgive until forgiveness is completely given.

When I decided to start this blog, I believe the self-righteous side of me did not consider the fact that there would be days like today when if I was going to be honest with what recovery and a personal inventory (step 10) looked like, I would have to record my down days honestly. Here’s to a new level of humility!

Now I am going to go spend some time with God and tell Him about my day, too. And as I wrote the title for this post, I just realized, my mistake was in looking back. Should have been singing “We will never look back. You’re all we can see now.” today.

God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. – Matthew 5:7


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