As I sit here trying to make it through my day, I have one conclusion, “I am not strong enough for this.” I am not strong enough for any of the decisions I am facing and I am not strong enough to do half the crazy things I am doing in my life. The depressing part is I do not think taking a nap is going to fix anything.
I love one of the songs NEEDTOBREATHE sings. There’s a host of hurts we come across / None of which alike /From the air inside the birthing room / To the darkness where we die / Though I feel I’m just as strong as any man I know / I’m not able / On my own.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind I am not able on my own. Some days I can barely manage to pretend I can do the redundant physical parts of my life on my own. Like the laundry. Doing all the emotional and spiritual aspects is really overwhelming and impossible.
I know what you are thinking, “How nice, Laura. God has you right where He wants you. You are not supposed to think you can do it on your own. Be encouraged, sister! His strength is made perfect in your weakness. You are now ready to do something with your life since you have figured out that you cannot do anything. I am so proud of you!” (That last part you said in a really squeaky, high-pitched voice. Super annoying!)
Yeah, shut up! The issue is not so much that I believe I am not able as it is that I am not sure I believe God is able with me or through me or by me or any other prepositional phrases that include me. The issue is I am not sure I am able with God either!
The bad part is when I get to this place in life where the life I am living terrifies me, I think this: God simply should not trust the things He has given me to me. I have a track record. It is not a good one. God keeps forgetting this. I am not sure why. I keep trying to remind Him. He tells me exciting things like, “You are looking at the wrong person. Look at Me! Not yourself!” So I do. For like thirty seconds. Then I lose focus.
So I circle back to the start of my argument with God. “Don’t you know who I am?” and He says, “Don’t you know who I am?” “But I have a track record!” “So do I! What’s your point?” “Have you seen the way I acted today?” “Yeah, I sort of noticed how you are wearing a robe of righteousness, too.” “I think it is dirty under this robe. Have you seen under the robe?” “Yeah, that is the part that is new. You know ‘a – new – heart’.” “What about the part between the heart and the robe. You know, my flesh. That part. That part that Celebrate Recovery prevents me from using sufficient language to describe. That part. Have you seen that part?”
What does God say about that part? That is what I want to know because what I have to say about it is not real hot.
But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; – Isaiah 43:1-3
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
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