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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I love step 4

Today was phenomenal. Amazing because I got to sleep in. I am always annoyed by having half my day gone by the time I get going though. I don’t even think I had a nightmare, but the phenomenal part was not the rest, it was my God time. I had x time again today. I recommend x time to everyone.

Step 4 took on a whole new level today. As I was walking to the laundromat, I had a conversation in my head with someone. Somehow it was about a part of my story. But that, I said, is a story I never tell. Which is interesting to realize there is still a story I am not telling. I washed my clothes, read some hermeneutics and came home.

Then I sat down for my noon God time and asked Him what I was missing. I have always gotten hung up at this part of my recovery and I do not know why. I do not know what is hanging me up. For selfish reasons I would like to grow past this. For unselfish reasons I would like to grow past this. I would like to grow past this so I can worship You and give You everything.

I decided I was going to have to put some things down on paper that I never wanted to see down on paper. Just really hard to see and admit things. This is why this part of my recovery always stops me. It is too hard for me to face, but also I am truly confused by it. So for the next hour, I asked God to step into that and show me what had happened during this time in my life. Why the pain and what about this am I not facing.

After the first couple minutes, the things I wrote down no longer went in the columns because the issue was way beyond what I thought it was. From the one person I was trying to work past, the list became a chronology of people for nine years of my life that I had the same bad relationship with. Well, that was lovely.

It explains why I hit rock bottom so hard in 2011. It also explains what I actually gave up when I was in rock bottom. Clearly there was one of the external addictions, which was dancing. But man, that is a surface-level explanation! When I hit rock bottom, I gave up the pursuit of the love and acceptance of my earthly father. I gave up the quest to have a person fix my “daddy” issues; I gave the position of Daddy to my actual Father. Before my second rock bottom (my first being before I got saved nearly 10 years ago), nine years of men controlled whether I followed God completely. After my second rock bottom, I have not given that position to a man in my life.

One of the root lies in those nine years of my life and my whole childhood was that all my worth and value came from work. Across the board, this belief permeated all my relationships and decisions. There was about a year and a half during these nine years where these beliefs were not as obvious and neither was the iron grip I gave to the surrogate dads in my life.

I learned so much about myself today it is almost unbelievable. I nearly feel like I have a whole new story. Today I stepped out of denial. Tomorrow I get to teach about denial. How appropriate. It’s odd how sometimes we are in denial because we cannot see the truth even when we want to. That is why x time is important!

A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?” – Luke 14:25-28

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