I had another day though it did start off with me being positively grumpy. People are not always my thing early in the morning; but when I decided to just quit whining and start serving, everything got better.
Then when I got to service, I got all weepy which really annoyed me. One of the things I have always struggled with in my life is receiving positive feedback. It used to be really awkward for me if someone so much as gave me a compliment. I do not do well with the whole positive emotions thing.
Apparently the next series at my church is about encouraging us. I had to purposely harden my face a couple times to not just start blubbering. One of these days I am just going to be brave enough to start crying. I admire people who cry. I might not generally understand it, but I admire them.
I cry when I am sad now. Sometimes I cry in my quiet time when I am feeling overwhelmed. Now I just have to get brave enough to cry when I feel loved. I suppose I do when I am alone. The hard part is to do it when I am with someone. Someday I am going to believe I can show someone I care that much without believing they will instantly use that knowledge against me. I believe this with girl friends and some guy friends, but I don’t believe it with authority figures yet.
I also went into this morning, asking God to help me love my triggers. I think I much more often ask Him in someway to help me survive my interactions with them. I had a very different day than normal today. I would not want to describe all the ways on here. But trust me, I am just about ready to start letting these people truly be my family. I mean I snorted when I laughed today. That just might be the first time in Jersey. I love Celebrate Recovery. I love the God I have learned to know there. I love the friends I have made there. I love that I have hope and a future.
I have decided since my last post to first talk to my counselor about the sins I have yet to confess. The level of vulnerability needed to talk about them is just way too high before talking to her. I do not see her for another week yet, so I get to live life a bit nervous until then.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. – 1 John 4:7-12
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