I want to start telling my story, but I do not think I want to start telling it here. I mean on this blog. I tried to start telling it this afternoon. I told my counselor something. I mean, you know parts of my story. My CR knows all kinds of things about my story. There are just missing pieces. Yeah, my CR knows all kinds of things about me.
Yet this evening I chatted with a girl who has been at CR forever. I tried to tell her my story. I tried to tell her what I had just so easily told my counselor. My counselor knows all the parts of my story I have had time to tell her. The words wouldn’t leave my mouth. I couldn’t go past them. I tried in my brain when I was on my way to meet up with her to tell parts of my story to an imaginary someone I trusted. But my broken attempts always ended in “I just can’t” even in my brain. I want to start telling my story, but I don’t know how.
I started on Friday. For the first time in years, things passed my lips I had safely guarded. I didn’t know I had never told my story. I mean people at CR know all kinds of things about my story, but the defining moments and details are always left unsaid. I don’t know if I can share this even with you. I am trying to imagine even just writing it in a notebook no one except myself will ever read. I cannot even imagine doing that.
I say it in my head, and I start crying. Because the parts of my story I want to tell would tell you who I used to be. They would tell you so much about my journey. They would let you know that with all my walls, my current level of trust is a miracle. They would communicate my pain. But many of those parts I cannot even share here because this is the internet. Some I can, but I do not want to tell them first to a machine. Well, not really first. My counselor knows.
I am going to start telling my story, and it is not because I have nothing to lose. I have everything to lose. I have my whole life to lose. I need to start telling my story. I will be risking everything. I have something to risk. It is a miracle. It is a miracle I have something to risk. It is a miracle I have someone to risk. It is a miracle because people did not used to get close enough that they were a risk. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never left them get close enough that they can hurt me worse than I can hurt them. They haven’t come very close.
I suppose I logically know the people I will tell my story to will love me anyway. That is why I am deciding to trust them. They have been the kind of people who have earned this trust. I think they are the first in my life. With the exception of perhaps three other individuals. I have had other people who may have been worthy of trust in my life. I just refused to trust them. I suppose this makes it very high risk since they are everything I have on earth except Jesus and well, all the other people out there who will love me when I find them. If my logic is faulty, well, I will just take that risk. It will take some time, but I am going to start telling my story.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8