Today was a very good day. I have learned praying the serenity prayer and truly focusing on the prayer really helps calm my central nervous system. That is what my counselor calls it. Apparently enough of my issues have to do with my central nervous system. Something to do with all my wounds and scars. The first line helps a ton, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” It helps me just release them to Him and let the situation go.
I had a really good day today, especially for it being a Sunday. Really, really good. I think I am finally at the point of surrendering to God. I have taken several steps this week to give my all to Him. I do not have to cling to this. I can open up my hands and give Him everything.
The negative side of me wonders how long I can maintain submission. All of the real me hopes I maintain it forever.
I cried in church today because they were singing that song about how everything we give up for God is worth it. I struggle to really connect with people or God at “church”, so crying is a big deal for me. It is a big deal that now I only cry with people and feel much less able to on my own. I know it is healthy I am connecting with people now. I cried because it was some weird mixture of feeling more connected to God than I ever have in public and seeing the sacrifices I was making for Him go across the movie screen of my mind. Is it really worth it all? In the end I know it will be, but some of the sacrifices I am currently learning to make are ripping me apart emotionally. On some level I even understand why God is asking me to make them, but nonetheless I cry. The surprising part is I mostly cry with people!
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5
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