Today I am really struggling with self-hatred and resenting other people combined. I think they come together. I think I become angry at myself for being an idiot (not achieving something on the level I wanted to) and then I become angry at other people for noticing my flaws. Then I start to nit pick their actions and personality to get them back for noticing the flaws in mine.
The worst part about having a bad habit pointed out to me is that now I notice it. It is particularly hard for me to realize how much it has affected my life.
I have also noticed over the last few days that I am struggling with being hardheaded, argumentative and defensive. Some of it is all in my mind. Some of it has come out in all sorts of annoying ways.
I am also really tired today. Definitely not succeeding at getting adequate rest so I can run and not be weary.
I have been praying a lot about my heart attitudes and resentment I have for others. I believe these are at the core of a lot of the issues I have relating to others. I am not sure how to conquer many of these behaviors because some of them I have tried most of my life to change and it has never happened. I realize there are parts for which I have to take responsibility, but I think ultimately God has to work a heart change on the inside. From the inside out.
At the same time, I would never tell an alcoholic to wait to stop drinking until they feel like it. I do not believe other habits change that way either. At the same time, most of the bad habits in my life I have successfully eliminated were not eliminated by discipline but by replacing the needs the habit met with God and a deeper relationship with Him.
I am hoping over the next three months to really draw near to Him concerning the contempt and anger in my heart. I hope to realize why I am feeling the way I am in the situations I am in and then ask God to meet those needs. I am a little skeptical because I have been working on these habits for over twenty years. However, God has been around for more than 349,238,109 bazillion years, so a 20 year habit is pry no problem for Him to fix.
Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. – James 4:8
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