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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I am powerless

I am wildly grateful for CR and my life. The growing and the changing are awesome. It is amazing to have a group of people around me who love me and believe there is One who can change me and provide me with hope for true relationship and love in my life.

Today was a pretty simple day. I had my typical Friday afternoon freakout session between 3 and 5. So I followed it with my now typical Friday pre-CR conversation with God. It was a wonderful night at CR. I think I am going to keep going.

The message acrostic was POWERLESS. When I admit I am powerless to change my life and my life has become unmanageable, what are the things I will give up? Pride, if Only’s, Worry, Escapes, Resentments, Loneliness, Emptiness, Selfishness, and Separation. I need to admit I am powerless in order to turn my life completely over to Christ and accept His healing work.

I realized tonight one of the conversations I have been having with God (it feels nice to believe in and feel God again) ties in directly to needing to admit my powerlessness. God and I have been discussing how I need to let go of my pride, my desire for control and my desire to appear competent. I need to do this in order to step into relationships where I am fully known and fully loved.

God has been surrounding me with this conversation today. Earlier on Facebook there was an excellent Tim Keller quote. “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

It is this greatest fear I am currently working through in my recovery.

As perhaps every other victim of sexual abuse, I often have a conversation with God and with the people around me about honor and love. What does it look like to honor and love the people from my past who hurt me? I randomly wrote down some of my initial thoughts about honor.

What is the difference between sweeping things under the rug and honor? Does honor ever say, “I am going to let this sin fester in darkness out of honor and respect for the person who committed the sin?” Can honor lie or withhold truth? What does the verse “love covers a multitude of sins” (I Peter 4:8) mean? How has this verse been abused and misinterpreted in my life? Is there honor in lying?

I want to continue thinking about this. In my thoughts and prayers about this, I turned to I Corinthians 13. I noticed there a verse I had never before noticed in this way. Not surprising that I would see it in a new way after all the focus I have had lately on intimacy (fully knowing and being fully known).

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12

I have continued to have my conversation with God last night and today about knowing God and being fully known. In truth, I forgot to ask the question yesterday until right before bed. When I did, I made different choices for the use of my time the remainder of my evening. I think that is the first time this week I have majorly changed plans on account of this question. Mostly I am just mulling over the concept.

The conversation continues to involve relationships and focusing on others and not myself. It involves motives and attitudes. It involves perspectives. I am already fully known. With this full knowledge of me, God still chooses to love me completely. My goal is to know Him fully.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12

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