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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

I am here

This morning I did not wake up excited. I woke up anxious. I stayed anxious most of the day. Not as much in my thoughts as in my stomach. I was lazy in my conversation with God, so I spent much of the day this way. I feel more at peace now, but I think I am over thinking things. At least my stomach is over worrying them.

Tonight my praise at unCR small group was that I was still here. I have not quit. Some times that just is not sarcasm. As a matter of fact, some days I find it hard to believe that I am here. Almost two years ago when I moved to Jersey, I thought I was discarded by God forever. I had fire insurance. I believed my faith in Jesus was getting me to heaven. But I was sure I had ruined every chance to ever work in His kingdom. To ever be a part of His story. To ever be used by Him.

Then He brought me here by a journey mostly composed of baby steps with a few giant leaps of faith. I get to live for Him. I might have said this before, I do not remember. But over the last little while, I have considered I understand God saving me if He set me on the sidelines and said, “Laura, watch My story. See what I can do. See how people will change and serve Me.” I do not understand His saying, “Come, do it with me. Don’t watch my story. Be a part of My story.” That kind of acceptance and love is pretty crazy and definitely beyond my comprehension.

Yes, I am still here. Tonight I have peace. And I am having a hard time processing that I have actually made it here. God took the screaming mess from ten years ago and brought me here. He took away all the pain, despondency and depression and brought me here. There is a reason I made the first step in seeking recovery almost a decade ago. It was because I looked at a baby and thought unspeakable things. I knew I had a choice. I could either get help or I could turn into a person who would hurt people in unthinkable ways. God gave me the grace, wisdom and courage to choose the former.

Desperate. If you ever wonder why I seek God, it is because I am desperate. On my own, I have not only been abused, but I have partaken in the abuse of others. On my own, I experience so much anxiety I literally cannot make it through a day without Him. I come to Him because I have nothing else. I have come to a place where I also want Him, but ultimately I desperately need Him.

I made it here. He took my insides. He took my heart, and He untwisted it. He took the part of me that constantly writhed in pain, and He healed it. He took the part that was hopeless and gave me hope. I will never understand why (though I know in my head the doctrinal reasons), but He saved me and brought me here. How could I not praise Him for bringing me here?

My words tonight were that I have not quit and I am still here. But maybe I should look at it as a “He has not quit”.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. – Philippians 1:6

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. – 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

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