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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

How do I get past this?

The weirdest thing happened to me tonight at Celebrate Recovery. Someone came up to me and asked how my counseling was going. Now you all know I have been having a good week. A week long rest of doing any hard recovery work. Well, that was gone in the blink of an eye.

How is it going honestly? Not very well. I am too super terrified to take the next step of faith and in recovery. Tonight I made the comment in small group that for quite some time I think I have been avoiding the next step in recovery with other steps of recovery. Everyone seemed to know what I meant.

How can a whole week of honestly answering the HEART check with a feeling better each night disappear in a moment? Am I hurting? Yes! I am also frozen in fear. I want to work through my issues with trusting men and trusting Christian leaders, mostly the male ones but also the female ones.

I have no idea what this looks like, and I am scared! I have disliked men for a very long time. I have avoided pastors for a very long time. I finally managed to trust one. Then he moved 3,500 miles away from me! I still love him. Now I get to work on trusting another one. Why is trust so hard? Boo!

If you asked me a yes or no question with whether pastors should be trusted, I would say no. I do not know how to get beyond it except to have a bunch of good experiences with pastors. That means building a lot of relationships where learning to trust for me is incredibly painful and hard. ¡No me gusta!

Men? Date? Forget it. At least tonight, forget it. It does not matter how bad I want it. It hurts. It sucks. I want it to all go away. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and miraculously trust people. I do not. I trust like five guys who come to CR. That is literally pretty much all. A random person here or there. What is wrong with me? Why cannot I just get past stuff? I have worked the last 60% of my life trying to get past what happened the first 40%. That is just annoying.

Now I am going to go to bed and talk to sweet Jesus because on a night like tonight, I need Him. I need Him even more.

“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.” – John 15:1-8

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