Tuesday, May 27, 2014
8 AM: Naturally after what I wrote last night, this morning I woke up struggling with what people thought of me. Not on the level I used to, but on a level.
We have internet here. I have chosen not to use it so far, except to Google songs for the children in Spanish. I don’t want people to speak into the conversation I am having with God right now. I will have it with Him, then I will talk to others.
But then I did just bare my soul to the leader of the trip, so clearly looking to let someone walk the journey with me. I love walking my journey with people. It is so much better than being alone. I decided to read through the book of Proverbs in quiet time this week and find all the times it talks about finding godly counsel or seeking wisdom. It is highly amusing to me right now that I actually just wrote that I didn’t want any (godly counsel) this week, but I wanted to do it alone. So trying to learn to not be a loner!
9 PM: Yeah, I struggled with insecurity all day. Not on the level I used to struggle, but on a level. Much of the day I wondered if what I was doing was enough or why someone else wasn’t serving in my role. Clearly they would be better at it. I felt much like people were there to criticize me, not to be my cheerleader. There wasn’t a sign in sight that anyone in Mexico wanted me to fail. I just felt that way.
I love singing and dancing with the children, but having adults around to watch me do it is killer hard for me. I didn’t think of it in the following words until now, but all day long I tried to remember all I had to do was empty my cup. All I had to do was give what I I had been given. I am not responsible for having a good voice. I am not responsible for how talented I am. I am only responsible to give what I have been given. I can take the random Spanish children’s songs I have learned accidentally and on purpose and sing them joyfully with a roomful of the most amazing children on earth. I am not responsible for anymore. And singing with these children is ridiculously easy and the most amazing thing on earth.
I thought about other things today like how I think it is always a mistake to not acknowledge someone’s pain instead of freely talking about it. I considered whether God pities us or just has compassion on us. I thought He might be able to pity us, seeing as He is bigger, stronger, mightier and infinitely more than any of us.
I read Psalm 103 after lunch and felt better. Before writing this, I talked to a team member about how my day actually was. She asked how I was, so I told her the truth. All day long I wondered what people thought of me and with whether I really belonged here.
Sharing is a good antidote to my struggles; God is better.
They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. – Revelations 12:11
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. – Psalm 103:8-18