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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


I hate to be a downer, but what I want to start to say is I am tired of talking about my feelings. I do not feel like being emotional right now. Feeling our emotions is freedom according to CR. Sometimes feeling my emotions feels like pain, vulnerability and unsafety; but I get what they mean. Feeling my emotions is what frees me from running to all my addictive and compulsive behaviors.

Tonight I was volunteering at a homeless shelter with CR. The most fun part of this is there are always random people from the community helping out and we get to talk. Tonight I just wanted to be a regular person; so when someone asked what I did, I said I went to school and babysat for the most part. Later conversation continued and the whole 12-step program and I go to seminary thing sort of came out. It had to without lying.

Over the course of the last month and as I have been beginning another step study, I have been interacting with the whole stepping out of denial thing again. Really it all started when someone suggested I visit SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) to begin building a relationship with them and see what they were about. I had a strong immediate reaction to this suggestion. I became angry and said I was definitely not going there.

When I have such responses to something someone says I know it is triggering something in me. It is hitting on a truth I have not been willing to face. It was. Since then, I have been facing more truths in this area, including my childhood fantasies.

Tonight I wondered what my story would be if someone asked. Would I admit to everything. At CR I get to simply introduce myself as someone who struggles with sexual and emotional abuse. That is why I came; so we keep introducing ourselves that way so people can see how God is working in our initial struggle and how He has freed us. Would I be strong enough to add that if I was not a sex addict and alcoholic, I was really close to being one? Would I be that humble? Honestly tonight the idea of it just made me want to hang my head.

Today we start step 2, which for someone who already believes in Jesus, is really about engaging whether we believe God loves us in spite of everything.

The conversation in my brain is going like this: Do I believe God loves me. Well, I am not entirely sure… Yes! I believe God loves me. Why do you believe God loves you? Because no one else would do for me what He has done for me. He must love me, or He would not have bothered to take me out of my pit. My very deep, grimy, dirty pit.

I am so glad I have peace. I am healed. Yes, I still have weird quirks. I am still vulnerable and sometimes have fear because of this, but I am not running from the pain on the inside. I am healed. I have been thinking today that for the first several years of being saved I learned from the Bible that there was a balm in Gilead. In the last few years, I have learned how to apply the balm. Knowing there was balm did not help me, but applying it sure has!

There is no one greater than Christ my Savior!

Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people? – Jeremiah 8:22

As they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt. – Genesis 37:25

Hmmm. Apparently Gilead was famous for its balm for about 1,000 years or so.

All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:25-27


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