Oh, I am feeling so insecure right now! I had a really good day. I really did. Actually, now that I think about the whole day, it was a bit full of ups and downs. I think it has ended on a tough note because I have learned so many things about myself or parts of my past in the last 26 hours.
I voiced it best to someone this afternoon. I have become the person I once despised. At the time, I meant purely in terms of careers. I used to think I was so much better than people who worked service jobs because service jobs do not take enough skill to impress me apparently. Now I more than happily serve; and I am more content than I have ever been in my life.
Since then, I have thought about it. The statement goes so much deeper. I despised vulnerability. I despised needing love. I despised girls who had crushes. I despised wanting intimacy. I despised everything except utter independence.
I now step into greater vulnerability almost everyday, willingly, knowing it is for my greater good. I not only realize I need love, but I want love. I want to know and be known. I am utterly dependent on God for nearly everything and my friends for everything He decides to provide through them.
I have become the person I despised because I now give and receive love. I used to despise the people who were foolish enough to waste their time on such a thing. Me, myself, I and mine were so much more important to me than anything else.
Tonight was step study. By the time I arrived, I had had a very emotional day. Right beforehand I started to deal with some more deep rooted motives in my life. I started shutting down and had a pretty hard time sharing about what actually was bothering me. That being said, I spilled my guts about what was already written down.
Overwhelmed by the truths I have learned today and the amazingness I have experienced in relationships. I want to know Him and His perfect love which casts out fear.
This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. – I John 1:5-7
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