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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

He remembers we are dust

Today it was supposed to snow and rain, which seemed like a tragic combination to me; so I decided to stay home, drink hot chocolate and rest. I do not think the weather was actually that bad, but I would not actually know since I did not go outside. Staying home and resting was a really wise decision. I desperately need it.

Someone recently told me they often see people relapse when they are too tired physically. Thinking back on my experiences with bad habits, I was not sure that was my personal experience. Then over this last week, I totally began to agree. Unless I did something soon, I was setting myself up for disaster.

Today I actually had x time (the amount of one-on-one time I need with God to be a functional human the rest of the day). No excuses. I am going to need a lot of accountability for this. If I do not have x time, I will not make it. I will be an emotional wreck. Until I was on my third quiet time or rather connection time today, I was a mess. I kept crying when I came to Him. He really has given me so many things to do which I have no control over but to follow Him. I am called to love people, but today I felt quite incapable of love. I was certain I would never be able to love well. I am pretty broken. Love is a really tall order.

I poured all my fears out to God about love. How incapable of it I am. How bad I am at receiving it. How scared I am to give it unconditionally. How broken I am as a vessel of His love. How can I love like Him? Doesn’t He know my history? How can I learn to trust Him to enjoy the journey like the serenity prayer “living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time”. Truly I do not want it to be tomorrow. I want to enjoy experiencing and giving love today just where I am at right now, but that is easier said than done.

God is continuing to talk to me about my body. How I treat it and respect it. Thanks step 4. I love you, too. When one takes three months to do step four, it is hard to not do a good job of it! We have two weeks left. We are working on being honest about our family this week. Next week is our church. I am telling you at this point it is really easy to know I fall short of the glory of God. One of the questions last week was about how I have failed to concentrate on the positive truths of Scripture. I put down that I keep forgetting He is everything and I am nothing. If I could only remember this, my life would be so different because I wouldn’t be caught up in me and how I feel.

During my middle of the day x time, I wondered how many days it was going to take me to catch up on my time with God after a whole month of living like a fool and trying to do it on my own. During my last quiet time, I was at peace. I thought of the verse about His mercies being new each morning. Maybe that is the way it is with quiet time. It takes a day to catch up because His mercy for me is new. But it also definitely only takes a day for me to fall behind.

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. – Psalm 103:11-14

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