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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

He gives and takes away

I had a rough day today. Quite rough. Not thinking about knives or anything like a few weeks ago. But I really struggled with having joy. Maybe it was partly weather, but I was so physically exhausted.

I listened to a message on quenching the Spirit today. The message was about the fruit of the Spirit, not the gifts. That was extremely convicting. Honestly, even in the rough parts of the day I wondered if I was actually having a rough day or if I was in the middle of a major breakthrough. Odd that that word has come back into my life. One would think being at CR for the last two and a half years, it would be a large part of my vocabulary. When did I quit praying for breakthroughs?

Even with rough emotions and so little joy, I had an overwhelming urge to pray most of the day. I never fully succumbed to the urge until this evening. Naturally, after doing so, I got some joy. Why I am so stubborn I will never know. At this point in my journey, I have no idea why I still cling to trying to do it myself first. I always want to stick with stuff I understand instead of jumping off the deep end and letting God take the wheel.

I had thought to share my first piece of creative prose on this blog today. It was written a few years before I was saved. I do not know if I can. Somehow it seemed much more personal than anything else I have shared here, which is pretty crazy since I have said some pretty crazy things here. So I am going to pray about it and see if I should go out on a limb and do so or not.

I have continued to think about worship. I am thinking right now about that worship song that says “He gives and takes away.” There was a period in my life when I sang that song again and again and again. I praised God in the storm. Every brutal moment of that very long storm. When there was only darkness around me. I had entirely screwed up my life. I was in “the belly of the whale”. I had one promise to cling to during that time. And as I lived believing in His promise, I sang “blessed be the name of the Lord” over and over again.

Today I have listened to “Heart of Worship” again. I want to go back to the heart of worship. Screw a life plan. Screw a ministry plan. I want to go back to where it was all about Jesus. When all I could see was Him because there was nothing else. Man, when there is something else even halfway good in my life, I tend to get distracted from looking at God. I start making idols. I don’t want anymore idols. I will praise God in a very orderly fashion on my knees.

What if I really did give Him my tomorrow and followed the Spirit today?

I did manage to not complain to people today, but I think I did complain to God a few times in prayer. Mostly I was just vulnerable and told Him I do not have any idea what I am doing and I am really confused, but every here and there a habitual complaint erupted.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!” In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God. – Job 1:20-22

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