Today was a very good first day of summer. Partly because I slept an extra hour this morning. Partly because I edited my novel for seven and a half hours. Now that is work. I did have a pretty good day mentally. I went a bit crazy by 5 o’clock and called a friend for an hour and a half. There is only so much time I can spend alone before that happens.
This evening after I was finished with the writing I consider work, I tried to write a happy story again. It did not really work out for me. In spite of being happier than I have ever been, I apparently have no idea how to articulate it on paper. I can tell a story verbally that is happy. Then write it down. I just cannot process happiness on paper. I should get my counselor to fix that for me on Wednesday.
I have always been afraid to acknowledge the happy moments in my past. For some reason I feel like if I admit to myself there were times every here and there that I enjoyed myself or had fun, it will not acknowledge or respect the pain I have felt. I am not quite sure if I just wrote what I meant or not. But it is a bit like when people are afraid if they forgive someone that means they are saying what that person did was okay.
Over the last week, I have begun to think of just letting people fight with God instead of me. I don’t want to fight with people. If they want to fight with someone, they can have it out with God. And if there is nothing they have to have it out with God about, then that is even better. There has always been a reason for a conversation with God in my life though.
I found notes from my first fast today as I was looking through old writing. I had a list of the right reasons for fasting and the wrong reasons for fasting. Maybe I will share them someday here. I made the list because I needed to stay focused during my fast. The very first lesson I learned during that fast was “man cannot live by bread alone.”
Every time I look at writing from way back when, I think when I die no one better read this stuff. It will burn their brain. Sometimes “way back when” is like two months ago.
I did pretty good today with thanking God for people when I thought of them. Still a bit of a struggle. Going to let God do my fighting…
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. – Ephesians 1:3