I am just afraid. I have had a pretty terrible day emotionally. By two o’clock I decided I should just embrace being afraid instead of doing something logical like praying or talking to God. I can now relate to people who experience physical anxiety. My stomach hurts and I am nauseous.
I never thought I would have to process what I am having to process right now. It never occurred to me that I actually would be in a situation to have to process my issues with men, with following God, with intimacy, with being loved. I thought the people around me would just always leave me alone. I have always been good at putting emotional barriers or thousands of physical miles between people who love me and me.
Tonight I was asked to close CR step study in prayer, so I did. I managed to thank God for being there even when we did not believe in Him. That was the only genuine part of my prayer. I finished and looked up and said, “Girls, I just prayed to air. I do not even believe right now.” That is the culmination of my day, of my week. It sucks.
I have noticed a few things this week that are very important to my week and why I am struggling now.
1. I know I am in a position to be under spiritual attack right now because of the changes I am making in my personal life, in ministry and at work. I have decided fighting spiritually is a lot of work and I am struggling to want to even fight.
2. Somewhere in the last week or three, I have quit fighting by confessing my belief in Jesus. Apparently, that is what I do when I am under half this much attack. I had a great life before Monday morning.
3. I realized I believe that the only reason people will build me up is so they can ultimately cut me down. When people say nice things to me, show love to me in general or just trust me with information or responsibility, I immediately start waiting for them to pull the rug from under my feet and verbally attack me or just simply end the relationship. At very least I wonder what their agenda is and how they are using me for their gain.
As I would tend to do, when I had this realization today, I asked myself, “Why?” The only answer I was able to come up with is “Because it is true.” Well, that and I also realize it is something I do in other ways. (I do not think I quite literally do this. Though historically, I am a professional lover and leaver.) When I go to a hairdresser or a similar service and do not like the treatment I receive, I leave a big tip and never go back. The tip helps me feel better about the situation. Which is just weird.
4. I kept saying, “I never thought I would have to process all this stuff. People are being nice to me, and it hurts!” at group tonight.
I am extremely grateful that I am processing this. I am extremely grateful I am actually recovering. I am extremely grateful I am processing all the hard stuff. I am extremely grateful for all the love I have in my life right now.
At this moment, I do believe in God. Jesus received forty cruel, bloody whip lashes and gruesomely died on a cross, so I could go through recovery, through this part of recovery. He experienced His greatest fear of separation with His Father, so I never would have to fear because I will never be separated from His Father.
On days like today I act like a selfish brat. I do not want to. I believe in Jesus. Jesus, oh Jesus, help.
Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” – Hebrews 13:5
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