After realizing how much has transpired in the last few months, I had a better day today. Partly because when I had down time between jobs, I spent time just recuperating emotionally. Catching up with myself.
Today was my final lecture for the Old Testament class I am taking. We were discussing the Song of Songs when we came upon a 10-15 minute discussion on homosexuality and how to deal with it as a pastor and how God felt about it and how we felt about it, etc. etc.
I was participating in a reasonable way; but by the end of the conversation, I could not take it anymore. I came out in a seminary classroom. Here I am. Yes, I was abused. Yes, for years of my life, I could not figure out if I was gay, straight or bi. So what? and right now I am working through all those hard parts of recovery. I am definitely no longer gay or bi; but as straight as I am, I am still nervous (and extremely excited) to let a guy in.
I shared nearly exactly that. It was a very pleasant experience. Quite freeing, in fact. I did blush profusely when I said I had made it to the point of actually considering dating a man. It is what it is. Celebrate Recovery has ruined my secret life of misery. Now I work through the hard stuff and actually experience joy in my life.
Oh, and an addendum to yesterday’s post. I have been encouraging men for a couple months now. I have just done it with a lot of reservations. I have sort of stepped into doing it with less reservation this week. Instead of just saying “I am praying for you”, I am saying a bit more how I feel. It feels nice. People, including men, should know when they are awesome.
A celebration. I, Laura, am going to a wedding on Sunday. I do not go to weddings. Outside of my siblings and a few cousins, I have been to one wedding in the last 10 years. I have not done weddings. In fact, during many years of my solitary existence, I have purposely and consciously kept people far enough away from me that I would never have to be concerned about being in anyone’s weddings, going to weddings, getting invited to weddings. Honestly, I did not even want friends. They were a headache and mostly were going to screw you eventually.
Four years ago, almost to the day, a wedding occurred to which I was invited. The bride was my roommate. Even in the days with all my walls, I used to let a roommate or two get closer. The bride invited me to her wedding and invited me to do one of the Scripture readings at her wedding. Three weeks before the wedding I completely flipped out on her. I sent her a couple really nasty emails. I called her names. I accused her of all kinds of stuff including manipulation. Honestly, the only thing I remember really clearly about the situation is her crying as she stood on the bottom stair step and me being angry as I leaned against the counter.
That is who I was four years ago. I was mean, selfish, cheap, angry, bitter, selfish, scared, foolish and in an extreme amount of pain. Did I mention selfish?
I am nervous about the momentous occasion attending a wedding is for me. However, I am going with a few CR friends. I have already told one of them if I start to get too involved in my fear and panic instead of having fun and being engaged with those around me, to smack me upside the head. That way I will be able to focus on my headache instead of myself. I guess my headache is sort of a part of myself. Still…