I have had some pretty crazy fears throughout my life. I am thinking of some of my craziest ones right now. No, I can’t tell you what they are due to it hurting people; but trust me when I say they were simultaneously valid and pointless. It was understandable I was afraid even if the actual likelihood of my fear occurring was pretty slim.
It must seem rather strange to you that an article about gratitude starts off talking about my greatest fears, but it makes a lot of sense to me because lately God has been helping me deal with one of them. I never knew I had it. The reason I seem to have it is because I only believe certain parts of the Bible with my head and not with my heart.
Recently I have come face to face with the realization that I am terrified of being useless. On one hand, this fear doesn’t make sense at all. Based on God’s Word, not only is He happy to use me in His kingdom; but He will even use everything in my life for my good – to transform me into the likeness of Jesus.
On the other hand, this fear makes complete and total sense. After all, there was a time in my life when, as far as righteousness was concerned, I was completely and utterly useless. In fact, there have been times when I have chosen to live a life of destruction on purpose. I have known what Scripture said and, quite like the pagan, decided to live however I wanted anyway. I know what it feels like to not do good to those around me because I have been there, done that and got several t-shirts.
I didn’t realize until the last few weeks how important it was to me that I am an instrument of good. It turns out I have a pretty intense fear that someday God is going to tell me, “Okay, we’re done now. It is all over. I have used you in as many ways as I can. You can go back to your old life now. You are dismissed.”
I am not sure if I am more terrified of being unusable or of Him simply not wanting to use me. Either way, I know the fear is irrational. God makes hundreds of promises to me in Scripture. One of them is that I can be fruitful. He says He gives the Spirit to those who ask; and the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Honestly, I really do just want to be these things.
Recently I have had the privilege of beginning deeper counseling regarding my femininity. With it, has come God’s gentle guiding regarding the Scripture I am meditating on. Did you know that a woman of noble character brings good and not harm to those around her all the days of her life?
I am so glad. My character is far from everything it could be, but God has promised to improve it. I can become a woman of noble character. All I need to do is follow Him. He promises if I ask Him for character, He will give it to me.
I realize my intense fear of God abandoning and rejecting me is rooted in how humans have treated me. I also realize I still fear it. The fear didn’t simply go away when I realized it was based on terrible lies. It is something I need to work on changing. I need to acknowledge the lie, so I can start believing the truth. I am so grateful the truth is such good news.
I am so incredibly grateful that I can be an instrument of good. Not just any kind of good, but what God defines as good.
When God is done with me and He has nothing else for me to do on earth, He isn’t going to tell me to go back to my life of destruction. That is a lie. God never, ever wants me to leave His side.
No, when God has nothing left for me to do on Earth, then He is going to take me home. When He has nothing left for me to do, He will not push me away; He will draw me closer than I have ever been. When my tasks on Earth are complete, then I will see face to face what I now see through a glass darkly. Then I will be home with my Father and my God. No weeping. No fear. No destruction. Only what is perfectly and completely GOOD.
What are some of your irrational fears? In which ways does God use you as instrument of good? Are there areas of your life where you are reaping destruction because you are purposely doing what God has told you not to do?