Grace

Tuesday – 10:30 pm

This morning was a bit of a tough morning. I had to “I believe in Jesus” on the way to work. I had a decent amount of anxiety. I could not concentrate on getting any work done before leaving for work.

So I prayed and believed in Jesus on the way to work. When I was about 10 blocks away, I randomly met someone who started to talk to me. It was so nice to just talk to a smiling person for 5 – 10 minutes. I always want to be that person on the streets. I get so distracted hurrying or thinking, I rarely if ever am.

I have been talking a lot more to my neighbors also. I really like them. We all really like each other. I have been trying to actually be immersed in my culture by getting to know the people in it. I don’t do it enough, but I now have a few people around my towns that know me by name or in the case of one of them call me 6’1″. I don’t see him very much these days though.

So the lady, who randomly decided to get to know me on my way to work, changed my day entirely. I enjoyed it. By the time I met her I was in a pretty good mood anyway on account of all the believing in Jesus.

I have been reading through John and focusing on grace. Sometimes I feel like I let CR become a list of “thou shalt not’s”. Thou shalt not smoke, thou shalt not drink, thou shalt not eat too much, thou shalt not eat too little, thou shalt not watch porn, thou shalt not masturbate, thou shalt not swear, thou shalt not be depressed, thou shalt not whine, above all, thou shalt not relapse. If thou relapsest, thou goest back to startest. Restart counting the days of being “sober” if you were counting in the first place. I don’t really count the days I am sober. Sober from what would be the question.

I decided I needed to focus on some grace in my life. After all, they tell me that is the only way I am going to make it through these 12 steps. So therefore, the reading through John thing. I am really thankful that what I do has nothing to do with whether I am in right standing with God. I would live such an exhausting life else. Believing fixes that. No condemnation. Phew.

I wonder if one of the reasons I have not done the friend thing in the past is because I did not like myself. I mean besides the whole “I am planning on leaving” and “I don’t trust you” things.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. – John 1:12-13