Grace

Because I confessed last night that I was so far beyond struggling with jealousy and contempt I couldn’t drum up those feelings if I tried, I struggled this morning. But it was honest to say I couldn’t drum them up yesterday. A perfect situation arose yesterday for me to be quite upset from, and I couldn’t drum up anything but love. I saved those feelings for this morning. Coincidentally, still brought on by that situation. But the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head are nothing like they used to be.

I did spend a significant amount of time talking to God about it though throughout my day. Finally watching a few episodes of the Gilmore Girls while I babysat broke my mood. I was a bit upset to bring in my year with such a downer morning.

I talk too much. I was at a party tonight, and I talk entirely too much. I am convinced. If I am not being a quiet person who never says a word, I talk too much. Some of my friends don’t think I do, but I think I talk too much. Generally, because I walk away and can’t believe I told those people all those things. Sometimes I still apologize for talking too much, which gets a fun reaction out of people.

I will say being sober is a lot of fun! I am so excited to be living in 2015. I am not sure why; I just am. I am not sure what I did to deserve my amazing family. Oh, that’s right, nothing. I just kept showing up and getting connected. I thought a lot about God’s undeserved favor today, about grace. I am still on the question, “Do I deserve anything?” The question of rights and birthrights. The answer to the reason I have everything is, “Yeah, that is grace.” Which means I don’t deserve it. That is even the doctrinally correct, theological answer to such questions.

Now I am done and am off to bed because tomorrow is the last day I get to sleep in for some time.

And since it is through God’s kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God’s grace would not be what it really is—free and undeserved. – Romans 11:6