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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Good to be free

The new me is so super productive. I got so much done today. I also had x time with God. I just realized the emotional transition from x time 6 weeks ago to x time now. I used to think I was not worthy of just spending time with God. I had to somehow earn it by being stressed out, at the end of my rope and desperate first. Now I figure I can have all the time off I want in a day. It is nice to work until 5 or 6, then take the rest of the evening off before going to small group or the homeless shelter. What a luxury to be able to choose to spend all the time I want with God!

I had a really horrible revelation a few minutes ago. My step study had left. I was texting a friend, and it hit me. I decided not to tell them because I found it too embarrassing. I am not sure I want to put it here either, but you know I am going to talk about it in my next CR meeting anyway.

Yup, I am never going to get to bed if I keep staring down wishing I could just not face this fact about my story. I should either write it here or move on. Sleep is calling me. Basically, I just realized I never discipled anyone at all in my life until about a year ago. Remember a few days ago I told you it was my ten year spiritual birthday? How sad is that? A little over two years ago, I shared my testimony for the first time. It makes me wonder what branch of following Jesus I was a part of before these last few years. But if I am honest with myself, the person I was wasn’t really in a place to disciple anyone. No one would have wanted to follow me like I was following Christ even during the years I was doing my very best to follow! Man, I was wounded.

But the good news is He is healing me. I am actually being happy now. I am actually learning I have value. I think the biggest thing is I am learning to receive love. I was so broken. Sometimes I think I must have been an easily broken person. I was just easily wounded. Life really could not have been that bad. My self esteem (I hate that phrase) could not have been so low. But it was. One of my earliest breakthroughs after getting saved was realizing I was human. I don’t know what I thought I was, but there was a day I realized I was human like everyone else. It was a groundbreaking revelation for me. I come from a bad place. So it has taken me ten years to get where I am…so what? At least I got here.

And it might have taken me six and a half years of being saved before I hit my second rock bottom and decided to give everything to Him, but at least I did it! It was not like I did not grow in those six and a half years. I did so much in those years! Giving up my career, dancing and pride may be the hardest things I have ever given up, but at least I did it.

In those six and a half years I went from believing I was nothing to no longer having any suicidal thoughts. I actually learned what was in Scripture. (Though one wonders if I had any idea whatsoever how it personally applied to my pain.) I faced some of my biggest fears. In the weeks after hitting rock bottom, I looked back at what I believed seven years before and I was horrified anyone would believe those things. I might have changed slowly, but I was changing.

Then I came to Jersey. For all intents and purposes I felt very much like one of those babies people just abandon in the trash. No way God would ever have use for me now. I definitely did not understand God is a God of second chances back then. Anyway, I will quit trying to make sense of my life. It is good to be free. It is so good to be sober. It is good to be a disciple.

The faithful love of the LORD never ends!b His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” – Lamentations 3:22-24

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