Tonight I decided to have a conversation with God. A conversation about why I was stuck. A conversation about why I would rather skip entire portions of my life than live them. Portions where I get to know people mainly. Portions that should be a joy, but instead I fear, resent, hate, avoid and wish never existed.
So I began my conversation with God. Pacing as I usually do. Praying aloud as I usually do. Avoiding stepping on dog, which I usually do not do; but I am dog-sitting so now was a great opportunity to add it to the mix.
As I asked God what was wrong with me and why I could not move forward, I received an answer I never expected. I suddenly saw it clearly. I treat all my relationships that way. Even my one with God. Suddenly I saw the last nine years of my life in a whole new light. Nine years of trying to fix who I was and clean up my life, so I could do something. Nine years in which I tried to hurry up and get to know God on speed dial, so I could hurry up and go do something else more important than relating and getting to know Someone. Nine years of not so much wanting to get to know God as use God to fix me so I could be good for something. Nine years of a lot of frustration, aggravation and misery.
Earlier today I had listened to a message from Northpoint church. Somehow tied into the message was the question, “How do you define life?” The definition John Woodall gave was to know God and be known by God. I thought about the question. I would define life as a lot of work. As I thought about how lame my definition was I became even tireder than I had been from doing the “lot of work.” This message was great priming for my conversation with God tonight.
I stood in the kitchen, a bit dazedly, entirely unable and unwilling to keep pacing. “Oh my God, what have I been doing? God, how did that make you feel?” All He ever wanted was me to spend time with Him. For me to live life with Him. All I wanted to do was have Him fix me, so I could be good enough for Him. Or maybe it would be more truthful to say, so I could be good enough for me.
Surely, I thought I have to be exaggerating because all my relationships cannot look this way. So I started making a list, so I could find one relationship who when I was going to visit or meet with them I did not look against it as being a distraction in my day and life and a lot of work. I am so sorry if you are reading this right now and are someone who loves me. I love you, too. I am just broken. I started the list with all the people I am closest to and love the very most. I even included God. I gave up nine people into my physical list and about thirty people into my mental list.
I have no idea when my view of relating and loving became this broken and twisted, but here is to stepping out of denial and allowing God to heal this. I want to know God and be known by God. I want to know people and be known by people. I want intimacy. I do not want what I have. I do not know how to get something else, but I bet God does.
I just realized I now need to ask God to heal me, so I can learn how to know Him for the sake of knowing Him instead of for fixing. Odd how I ended with the same wrong perception of my relationship with God as He revealed to me earlier. “God, I want to know You, so I know You! Period. If I have to stay this broken until the day I die, I do not care. I want to spend time with You to know You, not to fix me. Father, may healing be the byproduct, and relationship be the reason I come to You. I ask this in the precious name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10