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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

God does not love me enough for that?

“Miracles are happening!” I announced to myself as I stepped into my home tonight. And they are, but that does not mean it was not a tough day. I battled a lot of negativity today. I should have been entirely prepared for it. After a good day breaking through yesterday, I am bound to be doubly attacked and tempted to fall today.

I did responsible things today. One of which was to line up all the numbers in my life and know where all those numbers were. I was being responsible without really being intentional about my mood or motivation. I never really noticed as doubt started to erode my faith and the festive feelings of new beginnings a friend and I had so joyously celebrated last night.

I may not have noticed the steady decline of mood and spirit, but I certainly jerked to attention after I put my head in my hands and heard myself say aloud, “Laura, God does not love you enough for that.” Now that had my attention! I instantly remembered a message by Louis Giglio about Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness. If the voice is not telling you you are loved, it is not from God. The remainder of my afternoon I fought. I was doing a pretty decent job of winning. But I was hearing a voice of negativity I had not quite heard in this way before. Not an audible voice just in my head. If satan really does whisper in people’s ears, he was a whispering in mine today.

The parent came home, and I left to take my 45 minute walk home. I closed the door and instantly heard, “You are just a stupid babysitter anyway. You will never…” I do not even know where that sentence was supposed to end because I had a full out meltdown. For the next 45 minutes, I narrowly avoided being that crazy person talking to themselves as they walked. I avoided it by trying to quit preaching to myself when I perceived someone may have been within earshot.

It all started with a simple repeat of “I believe in Jesus.” Usually when I get bent out of shape. I just affirm this for awhile. It continued to “What do you mean God does not love me enough for something so minute as that? My God loves me so much He died for me.” I imagined one of my human friends who I loved very much and who loved me dying the way Jesus did for me. Would I ever doubt their love if they did that for me? The picture started to get me really fired up. In defense of my continuing fire, every time I stopped the whispers restarted. Apparently I was in need of 45 minutes of confessing who I was in Christ.

“If I was an invalid on the side of this road and was about to die of hunger and thirst, I would be just as valuable as I am now. I could still love people for You that way, too. I am not valuable because of what I do. I am not valuable for what I can do. I am valuable because God created me. Then He came and was a human for me. (I always try to imagine being willing to become a pig to save pigs at this point in my conversation. Being raised on a pig farm, I figure the enormity of God becoming human was a lot bigger than me becoming a pig. Helps me drive home the hugeness of what God did for me. Back to rant…) And He bled for me and He died for me. I am valuable because God decided I was valuable. It does not matter how I compare to those around me. The King of the entire universe died for me. I must be worth something. How dare you say what He was willing to die for was not worthwhile?!”

“I am not a stupid babysitter. And anyways, I did not choose how smart I am or how good or bad I am at things, God did. He created me this way. He loves me this way.”

So I ranted and preached to the single person audience of myself (and hoped everyone thought I was on my phone). By the time I arrived home, I had thoroughly realized a God who was willing to die for me, probably was also able and willing to work out a few other minor details in my life.

Then I went to a meeting where I came to the conclusion miracles are happening.

“no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. – Isaiah 54:17

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