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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

God does

I am so rich. Lately every time I hear You Revive Me by Christy Nockels, I think about how it is impossible to spend my life for Christ and become empty and poor at any point. Because spending my life for Christ makes me richer. Exorbitantly richer.

I was feeling empty and poor this morning and a bit spent, I dragged myself to my first job. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. No reason to be tired. I took a nap. I dragged myself to my second job. I kept wondering why I was so tired. By noon it hit me. I did not need sleep. I needed some time just talking to God and doing nothing but sitting and soaking in His presence. I have quiet time in the morning, but I cannot do this very well then. I fall asleep. I can pray and read, but not just be and meditate. So I rested today while my babies slept. I feel like I had an entire sabbath, but all I really did was take time for talking to sweet Jesus without multitasking. It was awesome.

To continue the conversation from yesterday. I really hate this conversation. I really would like to just be over it. Sharing it is awkward and hard and really humbling. But I keep asking myself the question, “What does the girl in the middle of nowhere trying to decide if the pain of going through recovery is worth it need to know about my journey? What will give her courage to start hers?” As I see it if someday I just write about how everything is going great with the male leadership in my life and I do not share the process for this, my story becomes worthless to her. There is a lot of pain in this process. And a fair amount of frustration, embarrassment, praying, painful truth, yada yada yada.

As I finished writing last night, I came to another truth. I really do not want to write about it. I am going to anyway. There is one common denominator shared by every single male “trigger” I can think of that I have had in the last ten years. In some way, shape or form, I believed they controlled my future. Their acceptance or rejection of me had a profound impact on a part of my life that was important to me.

As a woman whose three strongest spiritual gifts come out in spiritual gifting tests as serving, teaching and knowledge, I simply feel like my ministry fate is simply and quickly decided by what my pastor’s opinion is of a woman’s role in the church.

The odd part about this question for me is I do not want to do anything more than I am right now. I am already serving in the exact way I want to use these gifts. Clearly it is okay with the leadership at my church as a woman has held this role for a year and a half. I guess I just do not want to be told that is the only way I could use them?

Anyway, the exact thought that came to me spontaneously last night was, “Men do not control my future. God does.” That is what I have been trying to renew my mind with today. No one determines my destiny except God. If God calls me to something, He will open doors. He already has. He changes the hearts of kings. He changes the hearts of men, too, I bet. And He changes my heart. I am so glad He changes my heart!

The king’s heart is like a stream of water directed by the LORD; he guides it wherever he pleases. – Proverbs 21:1

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! – 2 Corinthians 5:17

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