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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

General pain

Today was an interesting day. I never slept very well. I had weird dreams though even upon waking I had no idea what they were. I experienced a lot of anxiety this morning. I am not entirely sure why. It was really bad. I had a calendar reminder for a meeting with my pastor. I never actually had the meeting with him because he is out for the week. Hopefully, taking a well-earned nap. But that definitely intensified my problems. Oh, yes, this is my life. What? Why? How did I get here? Who in heaven’s name decided I should be responsible for anything related to God and what was wrong with them?

Interestingly enough, I received an email with some feedback I had requested from someone at the church office. It seemed to break my anxiety. That and talking to my step study sisters about some of the things I am going through. I am really thankful for group text messaging.

I then had a very pleasant day, more occupied with trying to cared for crying babies and dodgine downpours than with talking to God. I did think about whether God is my friend today and carried the question with me throughout the day. I am not sure I actually think of Him as my friend. I know He is, but I am not sure I believe it.

I filled out the step study questions today. We are talking about forgiveness. I wonder what it would be like to forgive myself. I think that is part of the reason I do not quite tell my whole story. I do not want anyone to know about just one or two things. My story is long enough. Who would ever know if I kept one or two things a secret? I wonder what it would be like to be free of these one or two things? Pride sucks. It steals my freedom. Overall, it is a general pain.

Before a downfall the heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. – Proverbs 18:12

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