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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Fully know

12:41 AM – Saturday

Today was a little eh. But it was way better than a day three or four weeks ago because I still feel healed. I woke up from a nap crabby this afternoon, but I was peacefully crabby. Then I had a wonderful meeting with a friend and served for a few hours at the homeless shelter. The homeless shelter nearly always puts me in a good mood.

Then I walked home from the homeless shelter and in my random trek through town heard someone busting out a worship song, so I followed my ears and momentarily joined an outdoor concert a church had moved to their porch. That was nice. Anytime I can hear someone praising Jesus blocks away is nice.

Just thinking about someone I made amends with a few months ago. One of these days I am going to see the person again because they suggested we do something together should I so desire. I used to live in dread of seeing them pop in my life again. This person represented all that was the worst in my adult life because I had known them in my most embarrassing moments. It is nice to not dread meeting the wrong person at church. That is one nice thing about making amends. One can quit worrying about who they will meet.

I still have a lot of people I would not want to meet on the street, but they are from my childhood. I am not as afraid as I used to be, but I am still a little afraid. But these are cases of forgiveness not amends. There is a difference. I still have a little ways to go before I am entirely confident in who I am in Christ. I am not to the place yet where I feel so secure in my identity in Him that the thought of meeting an abuser on the street doesn’t make me feel physical fear. I am not even sure that it is unforgiveness in me; it might just be fear.

When I know I am experiencing fear, I know something else. I haven’t experienced Him fully yet. I do not know Him completely, but someday I will.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – I John 4:18

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. – I Corinthians 13:12-13

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